Until recently, debates with my 4 year old had focussed on things like how Santa Claus visits everyone, why Teddy is a real friend even though he is not a real bear and why football is pointless. However, last night I got tangled up in a discussion about "reason" and if something does not have a "reason" it does not need to happen. He had been falling asleep during our book reading so I suggested he get into bed whilst I finished the story for his younger brother. "No!" he stropped in a manner so abrupt that it could not be ignored so I made him get into bed because he had been rude. He went into full tantrum meltdown. I managed to persuade him that he should apologise for being rude and come finish the story.
As I was making up a story after lights out, I said that the pirate captain shouted at his men to be quiet, prompting a debate as to whether it was reasonable for the captain to shout in that way. My son's simple logic quickly overwhelmed me and I only managed to make the point by stressing that the pirate captain wanted his men to be quiet so that they did not alert the people they were about to nick the treasure from!
I just about held the moral high ground but it left me wondering if, when perspectives such as "get into bed because you are tired" or "you don't want to be tired at school tomorrow" have not had the desired effect, it is acceptable to say "because I told you so". It is clearly a last resort but, ultimately, children need to follow reasonable direction even if they don't agree to it. Don't they?
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Negative Family Influences
My sons received an obscene amount of presents for Christmas: Drum kits, simulated guitars, laptops, video cameras and numerous books and other toys. People's generosity is boundless and intrusive. When I laid the presents out under the tree on Christmas Eve to simulate Santa's presence, the pile of parcels nearly half filled our living room. Christmas morning was a frenzy of squeals and unwrapping, which is nice to see, of course, but the subsequent lack of respect for each item was not so gratifying. New toys were broken in amidst the mayhem but my 3 and 4 year olds barely paused to bother; they simply picked up the next present. With such indulgence I fear my men will never learn to value anything. I suggest to our friends and family that the best thing they can buy the boys is an education, so buy them small presents and channel the rest of your generosity into their trust funds. Most, however, want to buy something immediately tangible but the majority of presents have sat untouched since Christmas Day.
We went to Florida on Boxing Day and visited Disney, SeaWorld and Universal studios. It was disappointing, mainly because of the crowds and queues which made even walking difficult at times. The event was also marred by my Mother in Law's presence. She favours and fetters my eldest boy who is vulnerable to her spoiling. When the nucleus of my family was sat at the back of the bus or walking over to look at something, Granny and B were somehow sat at the front or always looking at something else. At one point he declared that he would not go on any rides that Granny would not do. Granny does not like rides much so my four year old boy sat in the Tonka style stroller refusing to get out. It seemed inherently unnatural and Granny's pampering seems to suck the life from him. For a week after she went home my normally balanced and outgoing son was precious and precocious.
Grandparents, of course, are immediate experts in child care, or so they seem to imply. But that was generally 30 or 40 years ago; things change and children are different. When my first son was born the matriarchs in my family (mother, mother in law, sister and friends) all descended on us. They all had a different and contradictory view; "he's too warm, he should have a vest on, he's hungry, don't demand feed him". Under such sustained pressure the poor baby started to cry prompting an immediate chorus of hushing and pointless sympathy from the matriarchs; it looked like a wolves' feeding frenzy. Despite my virginal status as a father, I sensed this was wrong so I pushed the experts aside and gathered the little man onto my shoulder and walked him to the corner where he immediately calmed down.
Sometimes I feel that I have to protect my children from my family. Sometimes I feel like saying: "Leave my children alone, you've already screwed up your own."
We went to Florida on Boxing Day and visited Disney, SeaWorld and Universal studios. It was disappointing, mainly because of the crowds and queues which made even walking difficult at times. The event was also marred by my Mother in Law's presence. She favours and fetters my eldest boy who is vulnerable to her spoiling. When the nucleus of my family was sat at the back of the bus or walking over to look at something, Granny and B were somehow sat at the front or always looking at something else. At one point he declared that he would not go on any rides that Granny would not do. Granny does not like rides much so my four year old boy sat in the Tonka style stroller refusing to get out. It seemed inherently unnatural and Granny's pampering seems to suck the life from him. For a week after she went home my normally balanced and outgoing son was precious and precocious.
Grandparents, of course, are immediate experts in child care, or so they seem to imply. But that was generally 30 or 40 years ago; things change and children are different. When my first son was born the matriarchs in my family (mother, mother in law, sister and friends) all descended on us. They all had a different and contradictory view; "he's too warm, he should have a vest on, he's hungry, don't demand feed him". Under such sustained pressure the poor baby started to cry prompting an immediate chorus of hushing and pointless sympathy from the matriarchs; it looked like a wolves' feeding frenzy. Despite my virginal status as a father, I sensed this was wrong so I pushed the experts aside and gathered the little man onto my shoulder and walked him to the corner where he immediately calmed down.
Sometimes I feel that I have to protect my children from my family. Sometimes I feel like saying: "Leave my children alone, you've already screwed up your own."
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